i'd like to, change the world. its easier than changing me

I played peek-a-boo with a 16 month old baby who was HIV+
I saw patients cards being pulled from the pile with RIP written on them
I witness a woman get tested for HIV - and came out positive. I saw the desperation and fear on her face, her hand at her throat like she was reminding herself to stay in the moment, that it wasn't a death warrant, that she still existed and was a worthwhile person.
I saw a man stumble drunkely into the clinic, trying to get tested but wasn't emotionally strong enough to do so sober. I spoke with him while he explained how scared he was, how he had lost a lot of weight recently. He wanted to be tested to eventually marry a muzungu like myself.
Poured pills and pills out to HIV+ people that before now, were just statistics to me. But I talked to them, held their hands, and watched them smile and say thank you.
I went to the slums, talked to women who were dying. Women who weren't strong enough to get out of bed, women who's lives had just turned into a waiting game. One confessed that she was alone always, just waiting, and how much she appreciated me coming to see her. Her left side was paralyzed from a stroke due to complications from treatment. I sat in her one room "house", watched while she tried to clear a spot for me to sit down. Always welcoming no matter how little there was.

And what did I say? Nothing. Because there was nothing I could do. Saying sorry isn't enough. I will never be in those shoes, and no one I know at home will be. I've been told that just me being there, just showing them that someone cares, especially a white person, is doing something. Talking to them is doing something. The gratitude on their faces just makes me feel worse and more helpless. I came here wanting to change the world one person at a time. But can I even help the first few?

The question is how do I go back to my old life, to Starbucks and Gilmore Girls? But almost more importantly, how do I stay here and continue to stand by watching while this goes on, unable to do anything?

Live a life less ordinary

So...Kenya. First off, let me apologize for the whole blogging thing or lack thereof. Kind of suck at this.

Thoughts? Its unbelievably overwhelming. There are these matatu things which are essentially death on wheels. I hate getting on them and they are definitely not made for anyone over 5 feet.

I have already been to a get together, walked all over Nairobi alone, went to a house and was told I now had 4 grandmothers and 9 aunties, sang and danced with said aunties, and hiked the Ngong hills. Amazing. I am super excited to start working, which better begin tomorrow. I really do not even know how to describe anything, there is just way too much going on. I am enjoying myself for sure, but I am still confused on exactly why I am here. I was reading Paul Theroux's Dark Star Safari and he said that travel is the way he chooses to spend his time, not as leisure or work or sightseeing, but a way to pass the time. It made me think about what I was choosing to notice and take note of in my journal. My plane ticket from British Airways had me classed as "world traveller". That really made me think about the tiny percentage of people that I will be able to talk about my experiences with and have them truly understand what I am saying.

Sorry this is so disjointed.
I am taking very good care of Shanky by the way (or the other way around...)

Nadya - I miss you monk. e mail me, i have no idea what your e mail address is!!
Ryan - I better see you in August.
Mom and Dad - I love you guys!! Are you sure you don't want to take your vacation here?
AIESEC Colorado - you guys better be representing this semester because i'm not there to kick your butts.

And away I go....

Here I am, 15 hours before I depart on the most intense journey of my life to date. Nervous? Check. Excited? Check. Most of all I am anxious to get over, anxious to begin. I have little to no idea what to expect. For all the reading up on it, talking to people who have been or are over there, I really am unsure. We'll see I guess.

Take care of yourselves, and I'll see everyone in January!!!

This is a lot of flying....

T-minus 6 days!!!!

Flight number: BA5072
From: Denver
To: O'Hare (Chicago)
Depart: 17 Mar 2008 12:45
Arrive: 17 Mar 2008 16:05

Flight number: BA0296
From: O'Hare (Chicago) Terminal 5
To: Heathrow (London)
Depart: 17 Mar 2008 18:25
Arrive: 18 Mar 2008 07:20

Flight number: BA0065
From: Heathrow (London) Terminal 4
To: Nairobi
Depart: 18 Mar 2008 10:05
Arrive: 18 Mar 2008 21:30