i'd like to, change the world. its easier than changing me
I played peek-a-boo with a 16 month old baby who was HIV+
I saw patients cards being pulled from the pile with RIP written on them
I witness a woman get tested for HIV - and came out positive. I saw the desperation and fear on her face, her hand at her throat like she was reminding herself to stay in the moment, that it wasn't a death warrant, that she still existed and was a worthwhile person.
I saw a man stumble drunkely into the clinic, trying to get tested but wasn't emotionally strong enough to do so sober. I spoke with him while he explained how scared he was, how he had lost a lot of weight recently. He wanted to be tested to eventually marry a muzungu like myself.
Poured pills and pills out to HIV+ people that before now, were just statistics to me. But I talked to them, held their hands, and watched them smile and say thank you.
I went to the slums, talked to women who were dying. Women who weren't strong enough to get out of bed, women who's lives had just turned into a waiting game. One confessed that she was alone always, just waiting, and how much she appreciated me coming to see her. Her left side was paralyzed from a stroke due to complications from treatment. I sat in her one room "house", watched while she tried to clear a spot for me to sit down. Always welcoming no matter how little there was.
And what did I say? Nothing. Because there was nothing I could do. Saying sorry isn't enough. I will never be in those shoes, and no one I know at home will be. I've been told that just me being there, just showing them that someone cares, especially a white person, is doing something. Talking to them is doing something. The gratitude on their faces just makes me feel worse and more helpless. I came here wanting to change the world one person at a time. But can I even help the first few?
The question is how do I go back to my old life, to Starbucks and Gilmore Girls? But almost more importantly, how do I stay here and continue to stand by watching while this goes on, unable to do anything?
posted by Dunia @ 2:26 AM
5 Comments:
You just about made me cry.
That, my dear, is the Dream, the pure and uncorrupted essence of the Dream we are all chasing. And yes, sometimes it can be so terribly real that it gives us pause. But just the fact that you realize that you are caught in the midst of something so genuine is a sign that you sincerely care, and you should be proud of that.
You are amazing. Never doubt that, or your capacity to make a difference.
Remember what Morgan Freeman said at the end of Se7en:
"Ernest Hemingway once wrote: ‘The world is a fine place and worth fighting for’. I agree with the second part."
Soldier on, Dunia. Bigger things to come, ever up the mount.
I think you wrote what it is you can do and are doing. You are there. You want to make a difference and it matters to these people whose hands you have held. You have made a difference in their world even for a brief momment. I think we all want to feel cared about to have a hand to hold from time to time.
How do you come back to your "world" after this....I think with less complacency. Lean on those aroud you that you can, so that the ones who need to can lean on you. You will find your strength.
i'm sorry you have to see all that stuff, and that you feel so powerless. but its reality, kid, and realitys going to be kicking your ass for the rest of your life.
you'd go insane from boredom if it didn't. keep it hot, keep it rockin'
if you can find a way online, there's so much to update you on!
inspiring stuff.
'Dunia' means the 'world' in hindi...beautiful name.
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